The first consequence of my fatal powerlessness was that the Jew did
not trust me, which meant that I lost my self-confidence. Living
together with the Jews as my co-citizens, being in constant personal
and business relations with them, in the field of consorted social
work, I came face to face with the Jewish "problem" every single
day,--and every single day of my life I felt with intolerable keenness
all the falsehood and wretched ambiguity of my situation, that of an
oppressor against one's will. In the doctor's office, at my desk, in
the editorial room, in the street, finally in jail, where together
with the Jew I fulfilled the all-Russian prison duty--everywhere I
remained the privileged "Russian," the representative of the sovereign
race, the baron,--without the baronial blazon. And with horror I
noticed that even the eyes of a Jew-friend were dimmed with strange
shadows ... that terrible images surged behind my friendly Russian
shoulders and mingled wholly unsuitable noises and voices with my
sincere plea for "world citizenship.
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