The fair brought a
crowd of males, young, middle-aged, and old, all on more or less
intimate terms with the Schoenemann family, and their familiarities
with Lili were gall and wormwood to Goethe, though he testifies that,
as occasion offered, she did not fail to show who lay nearest her
heart. Even in his old age the experience of these days recalled
unpleasant memories. "But let us turn," he exclaims, "from this
torture, almost intolerable even in the recollection, to the poems
which brought some relief to my mind and heart."[232] A remarkable
contemporary document from his hand proves that his memory did not
exaggerate his state of mind at the time.[233] In the form of a
Diary, expressly meant for his Countess, he notes day by day the
alternating feelings which were distracting him. The Countess had
urged him once for all to break his bonds, and in these words we have
his reply: "I saw Lili after dinner, saw her at the play. I had not a
word to say to her, and said nothing! Would I were free! O Gustchen!
and yet I tremble for the moment when she could become indifferent to
me, and I become hopeless. But I abide true to myself, and let things
go as they will.
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