"5. The fact that I had already had other women diminished the
feeling of awe with which many regard the sexual act and the
violation of sexual conventions.
"6. Loss of beauty. Loss of figure is, I fear, inseparable from
childbearing especially if the woman works hard. We have always
had servants, still my wife has always worked hard, at sewing,
etc.
"I have stated that I entertain feelings of respect and
admiration for my wife. But I almost _loathe_ the idea of
intercourse with her. I would sooner masturbate, and think of
another woman than have intercourse with her. It causes nausea in
me to touch her private parts. Yet with other women it affords me
mad pleasure to kiss them, every part of their bodies. But my
wife still feels for me the love she had when we first married.
There lies the tragedy."
The following narrative is a continuation of History XII in the previous
volume:--
HISTORY III.--I had become good looking. For a time I knew what
it was to have loving looks from every woman I met, and being
saner and healthier I would seem to be moving in a divine
atmosphere of color and fragrance, pearly teeth and bright eyes.
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